OK, the R-Rated version:
I remembered the good ol' days of my childhood in late 1991. Back then - apart from that thing called school - Saturday morning cartoons, the Disney Afternoon, and the non-stop talks about Sega giving Nintendo a run for its money ruled my life. Things couldn't get any fucking better, right? Wrong. One day, my mother found a better paying job, and it occured to us we needed a babysitter to watch over me and my little sister. She was an exquisite, majestic being... short hair, curvy (like fucking bangin, yo), high school senior, and quite the grease monkey. It could be safe to say she was my first crush, the first person to make me appreciate motorsports and biker chicks, and the one to give me my first boner. And wouldn't you know it, her name was Christie.
Every other day on the weekday after school she'd keep me on top of my shit... chores, school work, you name it. But unlike my mother, she would allow me to get my Disney Afternoon fix WHILE I do my homework, which was fucking genius. My mother always taught me that was impossible to do, but Christie opened my eyes. I always felt smarter after watching Darkwing Duck anyway. But the real fun part of the day was after we finished all that stuff. By the time we were finished, it was game shows back-to-back: Nick Arcade, Double Dare, Video Power, it didn't fuckin' matter, we had a fuckin' blast. And all the while I had tendencies to cuddle with her in my mind, or maybe have sex with her (which I had no clue what it meant back in the day, I only saw Cool World and my parents made me believe that was it, lol)... but I never made it too obvious.
For over a year, she watched over me and my sister, and when our grades went up, so did our gaming library. She was a godsend to me. My ideal woman. If I were to ever get married, I would want one just like her. Who'd have thought exactly 10 fucking years later, I'd come pretty close, but not in a way I was expecting?
November 2001. Fresh from some sneak peeks of Dead or Alive 3 in previous magazine issues, I was already an avid fan and preordered it and an Xbox on blind faith. I literally had no fucking clue what I was getting into, nor how good the game was going to be (or whether it was gonna be a big piece of fucking shit like a previous E3 private showing implied). When I booted the game up, I was literally put in awe about just how un-fucking-believable the visuals were.
Upon slightly getting over the spellbinding intro, I proceeded to play the story mode and try out the new characters. One of them was named Christie, and the immediate thought that came to my mind was my babysitter at childhood. Unable to resist my dirty urges, I played the character instinctively, not knowing shit about how the character plays or anything. She seemed fast, easy on the eyes, and easy to get into... well, maybe not in the literal sense. *ahem* Double entendres aside, I plowed my way through most of that story mode, but came across some weird shit when I had to fight the last boss in an admittingly uncomfortable angle... like, what the actual fuck was Team Ninja on when they decided to progrram this fucking fight on this piece-of-fucking-shit angle? Blue-and-yellow purple pills? Obviously so, 'cause they let Ayane officially win that fucking tournament... fucking big-boobed, purple-haired ass ninja succubus! I wanted Christie to win, dammit.
Even though she didn't win, it turned out that I was winning in the end. As I delivered the final blow to Genra, aka Omega in the final battle to decide the fate of the world, there was an image that would forever etch to my memories for all time... the shapely fucking buck-ass naked derriere of Christie while taking a hot fucking shower after a hard day's work as an assassin. And as they say, you can't be a good assassin without having twice the ass. It was that moment that I knew Christie was the one for me... the main I wanna bang. The DOA character I always wanted to play. No DOA girl in recent memory has ever made my dick rock-hard as she did with that particular ending. It was like she was the reincarnation of my first crush given form as a video game character. My mind and my balls were just blown from the thought. The rest was history.
